How to Make Cinnamon Custard
Here's a old favourite from the archives.
What you'll need:
- Some custard
- Some cinnamon
- A bowl
- Some common sense
- A little tenderness
Step 1: Look for the custard. (It could be in the fridge. If you don't have any go and buy some from the shop. If you're too far away from a shop order it over the internet. WARNING: Attempting to make this dish without custard could be hazardous to your health.)
Step 2: Once you've found the custard put it on the bench (or bench substitute.)
Step 3: Take a break, then go look for the cinnamon.
Step 4: If you don't have any cinnamon go and buy a cinnamon plant from the nursery. Wait a few years. (You may have to put the custard back in the fridge.)
Step 5: Once you have custard and cinnamon you'll need to get a bowl. Many things can be employed as a bowl including jewellery boxes, plastic bags, and hollowed out wooden statues.
Step 6: Open the custard carefully. Don't spill any on the bench (or bench substitute)—you're going to need all of it for this dish.
Step 7: Lift the custard from the bench and tilt at an angle such that gravity compells some of the custard to be sucked towards your bowl (or bowl subsititute). Allow these forces to have their way and when the bowl (or bowl substitute) is full return the custard container to an upright position.
Step 8: Admire what you have achieved so far. Perhaps do some research into the Indonesian custard crisis. If necessary, borrow out the episode of Danger Mouse in which the world is engulfed with custard.
Step 9: Prepare the cinnamon. A five minute pep talk will suffice, including important information about custard sense and safety and a reminder of the legal ramifications of getting involved with the custard. Start with a joke and conclude with a few words of encouragement, culminating in the American national anthem (or anthem substitute).
Step 10: In a manner similar to that which you employed for the custard “pouring”, manipulate the gradient of the cinnamon container such that it spins on a horizontal axis, resulting in the deposit of some cinnamon in the bowl (or bowl substitute) of custard. If possible, make an attractive pattern on the custard surface.
Step 11: Stir to taste.
Step 12: Eat your hard-earned cinnamon custard desert.
Ben Beilharz
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