Living as a Christian with (an) Anxiety (disorder)
My name is Hannah. I am a Christian and I struggle with anxiety and doubt. (There! I've said it!)
In my case, it is largely because I have what is called Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, which is classified as an anxiety disorder. In contrast to the common media image of a humorously fastidious clean and/or neat freak, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is an ugly disease, some of the principle features of which are anxiety and doubt. When these spiral out of control, they can cause considerable disruptions in one's daily life. One common example is doubting whether the door is locked: worrying about it till the anxiety becomes so unbearable you are compelled to check, again, and again, and again ...
However, anyone who's lived any part of their life outside of a cupboard knows that fear, anxiety and doubt are not restricted to people with OCD. They can spring from an infinite number of causes: past hurts, a low self esteem, a psychiatric problem, or from nowhere at all. Will I pass my subject? Will my boyfriend dump me? Do I look like an idiot? These doubts and anxieties are so common that entire industries have sprung up to feed upon them. Huge sections of film, art and literature have had these inner struggles of anxiety and doubt as their core substance (think Othello). I am all but convinced that the vast majority of us have felt the waters of our world turn into a raging sea of fear and worry, and felt the horror of seeing doubt chip away at their only anchor. Sometimes it feels like your entire being, body mind and soul, is being twisted and wrung out, pulled until the very blood is squeezed out of it.
If you can sympathise with any of the above images, then you will be, perhaps only too painfully, be aware that out-of-control doubt, anxiety and fear pose particular problems for the Christian. First there is the suffering. Anxiety is never pleasant, and although we know that it is “pure joy”1, when we suffer, we also know that is really very hard, and people fall away in the process.2 Second, it is distracting: for example, if you are too busy worrying about whether people like you, then you become self-centred instead of being focused on serving them. You see, finding your way towards God and godliness, and focusing on producing fruit is hard when you're busy fighting to find your way out of your own private fears. There is the danger of becoming like the seeds that fell among thorns, whose cares choked them.3
Not only can doubt and anxiety place great strain on our human relationships, which can result in everyone getting hurt, worst of all this strain can extend even to our relationship with God. People who struggle with anxiety and doubt, can begin to worry that they are not really a Christian, that God can't love them. They may feel like the waves James speaks of, blown about by the winds on the sea;4 unable to find any anchor; treading water, afraid of drowning as a Christian; finding it hard to be Godly when doubt is always looking over their shoulder telling them its pointless. Its even arguable that anxiety and doubt are in and of themselves ungodly. Indeed, it has occurred to me to blow the whistle on God for his unsportsmanlike behaviour in giving me a disease that causes me to be anxious and telling me “Do not worry”,5 that makes me doubt, and saying “stop doubting and believe.”6
And yet, the truth is that God offers great hope and comfort to people who suffer from anxiety and doubt. Take Peter, for example: When he was walking to Jesus on the water, he started to worry and doubt. And suddenly he found himself being sucked down into the storm-tossed sea, helpless and terrified. But when all hope in himself was lost, he did the only thing he could do, he screamed out to Jesus to save him ... and Jesus did.7 Because “faith ... is not from yourselves”.8 “Calling on the name of the Lord”9 is all that is necessary. For the Lord is “a high priest who is able to sympathise with our weaknesses”10 and anxieties. Remember how I described anxiety as like your body and mind being twisted and contorted till blood is wrung out of them? Well this anxiety is what Jesus experienced, in Gethsemane, literally. He said “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow even to death”.11 Talk about psychological torture.
To others with the same struggles, I urge you to do two things: Seek counselling, and pray. Pray your heart out. Tell God EVERYTHING like it is. (Its not like he doesn't know already). Call ”Lord save me12 ... Search me, O God and know my heart; test me and know all my anxious thoughts.”13 He answered David, He answered Peter. He answered me.
I've never really had the courage to admit before, how doubts follow me around and torment me, undermining me until I'm clinging on to Jesus with just a thread. The thought did occur to me that it was rather unfair of God to give me a disability that causes fear, anxiety and doubt, and then say “Perfect love casts out fear”,14 “Do not be anxious about anything”15 and “Stop doubting and believe.”16 But God, in his mercy, brings the most unlikely people into his kingdom,17 and his power is made perfect in my weakness.
Notes:
1 James 1:2
2 Matthew 13:21; Mark 4:16-17, Luke 18:14
3 Matthew 13:7,22; Mark 4:7,18,19; Luke 8:7,14
4 James 1:6
5 eg. Mark 6:25
6 John 20:27
7 Matthew 14:24ff
8 Ephesians 2:8
9 Acts 2:21
10 Hebrews 4:15
11 Matt 26:38; Luke 22:44
12 Matthew 14:30
13 Psalm.139:23
14 1 John 4:18
15 Phillipians 4:6
16 John 20:27
17 1.Corinthians 1
18 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
Hannah Solomons
<< The Gospel: Our Security Blanket? | Return to the Index | Everyone Fears >>